it's kind of like what i was trying to say about the painting i wanted to make. i feel like i know it is good before i even start it. it is as if the idea of it is enough to give me the feeling that i want it to give to others. the labor often gets in the way or changes the way you originally felt about it. in the beginning you were seeing it in a completed state as the perfect observer. totally unaware of the process that went into making it. there are no flaws. there may be some chunkyness to the paint and obvious imperfections but all of these things were deliberate and add to that feeling you are after. you are at that point the perfect audience for your work. you see it for what it really is and wants to be. it is inevitable that the labor and making of the work confuses or blurs your relationship to it. and that feeling you originally had is complicated because you are on the wrong side of the fence now. you aren't the perfect virgin audience anymore. you know all of the secrets, problems and compromises that went into its making. it's like seeing the most beautiful thing in the world and then finding out a million people died trying to make it. that original feeling you had about it is complicated by the knowledge you gain through making. this is the exact reason why i can't conceive of projects before i make them anymore. i couldn't stand losing that feeling i got before i made something. the making was killing it. i was being stubborn about the making. now i have to let my presumptions about what it's going to take to get at that feeling go if they aren't working. improvise along the way in order to ensure that feeling will be there in the end.